I Thought This Was Normal

I grew up in a loving home.  I had 3 older brothers.  My dad worked third shift most of my life, and my mom worked during the day.  Mom left the house around 5am, worked hard all day, then came home and took care of the house and our family.  She cooked dinner every single night, and we ate together as a family.  Dad worked hard all night in a physically taxing job, then did the school-runs with the kids in the morning.  He slept during the day and woke up to eat dinner with the family before preparing for another night of work.  Mom did the school pick-ups when we were younger, and then we car-pooled with another family as we entered high school.  

My parents were around. They were involved.  They loved and supported all four of us.  They took us to church.  They lived out the things we learned on Sundays.  God's Word was their foundation, the formation of their worldview.  They lived this out in their daily lives.  They were not perfect by any means, but they tried hard and they were genuine.  They were wonderful examples to us.

Somehow, in all of this, I felt like I did not quite fit in.  I felt different in my family because I was not a boy.  I felt left out because I had my own room and didn't like the same things my brothers liked. I was a tall girl, and I hit puberty early.  I felt different from my peers because of that. I was bigger than other people my age.  I felt my body was abnormal.  I had a fierce case of acne throughout my teen years.  I felt that was all people saw when they looked at me.

I spent a lot of time alone in my room.  I liked to read and play the clarinet for long, long periods of time.  I enjoyed writing.  But I also spent a lot of that time mentally beating myself up.  I thought my family would be better off without me.  I felt like I was a burden in many ways.  I was not convinced my friends were actually my friends. 

Anything negative that was said about me, I took to heart.  I took it as truth.  Positive things that were said about me, I blew off.  I figured those people did not know the real me, or they were just saying those things to be nice.

I thought these feelings were normal.

I thought every person went through this.

I thought everyone else was better at concealing things than I was.

I did well in school and graduated salutatorian of my class.  I went to a competitive college, entered a difficult major, and worked about 15 hours a week while taking a full-time course load.  It was a lot of work.  I loved it.  I loved learning.  I loved challenging myself.

I started talking to my future husband during my senior year of college.  Until that point, I did not think guys liked me.  I had some male "friends" in high school who had said some things to that effect, and I believed them.  I did not think there was anything attractive about me.  But I felt like Tim was worth the risk of opening up to.  He was in school in Michigan and I was in school in Ohio.  We would talk on the phone every Friday night until my phone died...usually 3-4 hours.  Then we would e-mail throughout the week.  

One day as a senior, I was in clinicals for nursing.  I was in the ICU that day, and I had a patient receiving tube feedings.  My instructor pulled me to the side to review the process with me.  I didn't know all the answers.  As was typical of me, tears formed in my eyes and I could not hold them back.  I was embarrassed to be crying, but this was how I coped.  My instructor, out of concern and compassion, tentatively broached a sensitive topic with me.  She placed her hand on my shoulder and asked, "Have you ever considered talking to a doctor about being put on an anti-depressant?"

I was humiliated.

I remember sharing this experience with Tim when it happened.  I was rationalizing all of it to him.  I was a sensitive person.  It is okay to be sensitive.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to be a quiet person.  It is okay to be timid.  I was still strong.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I was normal.  

Looking back, all of those statements were true.  But they did not make the concerns of my instructor any less true. 

I graduated from Cedarville and moved into an apartment in Grand Rapids to be closer to Tim and figure out where our relationship was going.  That decision was atypical for my personality, but it was exactly what I needed.  My confidence slowly grew as I lived on my own, started my first real job, and got involved in a local church.  Making friends was difficult at that stage though, and I spent a lot of time alone.  

Tim and I got married a few years later, and we moved to California.  We had no family nearby, and we needed that.  We needed to learn how to be a married couple on our own.  The first year of marriage was rough for me.  I had this constant underlying fear that Tim would learn more about me and realize he didn't like me after all.  This feeling of inadequacy drove my response to my husband.  I accused him of thinking things he didn't think.  I took things he said and filtered them through the way I thought of myself.  I twisted his words. I heard things he never actually said.  I shed many tears, especially that first year.  

Then our first daughter was born.  I never knew my own selfishness until I was responsible for the life and well-being of another human.  Again, I spent a lot of time in tears and self-criticism.  I did not get enough sleep, because she was not a good sleeper.  I was afraid to be too needy, so I did not make alone-time a priority.  I missed my family.  I wanted to be near them, so they could know my baby girl.

We moved back to the midwest, now living within a few hours of our families.  Every two years, we added a child to the family.  Our grand finale was a set of twins.  With each addition, both happiness and stress grew.  By this time Tim and I had worked through the issues of our early marriage, and I no longer had those fears I had at first.  But every month, during my cycle, I would still beat myself up and hear him saying things he was not saying...things he has never said...things my rational mind knows he would never say.

I gradually learned to verbalize what I needed in those emotional situations.  But often, especially with the kids, I let stressful situations build up until I exploded in verbal anger.

Twice, I ended up in the walk-in clinic to be seen for abdominal pain.  Both times, I was told it was anxiety.  I was offered medication.  I was told I needed to deal with my stress.  I responded in anger.  I was frustrated they were not dealing with my medical symptoms.

As a Christian, I questioned if my anger was a sin issue.  Maybe I had sin in my life to deal with, and if I could just break through and conquer that, my issues would be resolved.  I had a lifelong cycle of responding in anger, beating myself up about it, confessing and repenting, praying for change, allowing stress to build up, responding in anger, etc.

In December of last year, I had an appointment with my primary care doctor.  She was going through her thorough assessment, and she asked, "how are you doing emotionally"?  The fountain of tears was not containable.  I had a lump in my throat and could not answer her question.  She looked at me and said, "ohhhhhh...let's visit that a little bit".  I shared my concerns about my anger.  I told her I was no longer able to function as the mom my children needed.  I admitted the depression I had been denying my entire life, and I asked for help.

Asking for help was a difficult thing to do.  Again, what if this was a sin issue that I was attempting to cover up with medication?  I was discussing this with a friend.  She said, "My son's therapist says that 'mad is sad's bodyguard'.  Sometimes it is easier to respond in anger than it is to be sad.  You are protecting yourself from sadness when you do that."  Mind.  Blown.  My anger was a manifestation of depression.

After 10 months of being on medication, I am finally able to write this blog post.  I am able to tell my story to the world, without embarrassment.  My mind feels so much more clear.  I do not know how to describe in words the cloud I lived under before treatment.  It was a fog in my mind, threatening to overtake and distort reality if I let my guard down.  It was a constant negative feeling, an inability to cope with any added stress in my life.

But again, what if it was a sin issue?  The Lord has been working in my heart, all this time.  These are not happy pills that take away all emotion.  Yes, I sin.  I still get angry, though not as quickly or as frequently as before.  I still confess my sins and pray for a change of heart and the ability to respond more appropriately.  But finally, I am able to accept the truth that God provides mercy and grace to ALL of His children.  I am no exception to that wonderful truth.

Why am I writing this post right now?  Mainly, I want to encourage other people.  First, if you are in a situation like mine, please seek help.  Maybe for you, that means seeking out a good Christian counselor.  Maybe it means talking to a trusted friend.  Maybe it means asking your doctor about medication options.  Whatever that looks like, reach out for help!  I sometimes wonder what pain I would have spared myself and my loved ones if I had listened to my nursing instructor and sought treatment in college.  Second, realize that those around you may have more going on in their lives than they let on.  Are you a close friend that can ask them how they are really doing?  Consider how you can support someone who may have an undiagnosed mental health condition.  Encourage those around you!  I had this support, but for so long I just was not ready to address my needs.  Give people time, and realize it may take years.  Find a way to let them know you love them, and realize this may look different for every person.

Esther: The Hidden Hand of God

 

Lydia Brownback’s new Bible study, Esther: The Hidden Hand of God is a well-written, thought-provoking study of the book of Esther.  This is the first release of Brownback’s “Flourish” Bible study series. 

This 10-week study takes a deep look into the book of Esther.  Each week covers approximately one chapter of Esther.  Brownback includes a helpful introduction and several charts throughout, to aid in understanding the flow of the book.  She provides background information for each chapter, and then walks the reader through Esther, verse-by-verse.  Brownback does an excellent job of pointing out repetition, explaining historical context, and highlighting major themes throughout this study.  She concludes each chapter with questions for the reader, to guide in points of application. 

I have been studying the book of Esther with my oldest daughter.  The questions I cover with her are based on Brownback’s book, though tailored to fit the emotional/maturity level of an eleven year-old.  I appreciate that Brownback is teaching Bible study methods that will help my daughter develop good habits now, which she will be able to implement throughout her entire life.  We are enjoying our study together, and I am thankful for this resource!

I highly recommend this author for those who seek a challenging inductive Bible study.  This study can be used for groups or individuals alike.  Brownback is set to release a study of 1 and 2 Peter in January.  I look forward to seeing and working through more of her studies in the future.  Her website gives a schedule of what studies to expect and when.  A leader’s guide to the study of Esther can also be downloaded there for free.

Rachel's Rating:

★★★★★

Thanks to NetGalley for providing and advanced copy of this book for review, in exchange for an honest review.

Book Review: Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Aimee Byrd's Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is a book written in response to John Piper and Wayne Grudem's 1991 book, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.  Byrd begins her book with a summary and explanation of a short story, The Yellow Wallpaper, which was written by Charlotte Perkins Gilman in the 1890's.  This short story tells of a woman who is suffering from post-partum depression and is prescribed rest therapy by her physician husband.  She spends her days alone in a room she does not like, the walls of which are covered in yellow wallpaper.  She eventually begins to see hallucinations of a woman struggling inside the wallpaper.  In an effort to free the woman in the wallpaper, the narrator tears down the wallpaper and is found creeping around the room.  Byrd references this story often throughout her book and addresses the issue of "yellow wallpaper" present in our churches.  Byrd states in her introduction that Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is not a "man-bashing book.  And this isn't a womanempowerment [sic] book.  This is a book that appeals to the reader to look at the yellow wallpaper in the church and to do something about it."  

 

Summary

Byrd's book is divided into three sections, each of which confronts an area Christians need to "recover" regarding biblical manhood and womanhood.  The first section deals with recovering the way we read Scripture.  Byrd writes that although men and women read the same text in Scripture, the Bible is marketed differently to men than it is to women, both in sales and in church culture.  Some things Byrd cites as major gender-based issues in the church are the availability of Bibles in beautiful patterns, the fact that women tend to post Bible study pictures on social media in picture-perfect shots, and women not being taken seriously for their theological insights.  Byrd states, "I want to read my Bible just as seriously as the men.  The pretty cover on the women's Bible already begins to send a message that women will approach Scripture less seriously than men.  I'm judging the cover as I see the cover judging the readers by their gender."  She addresses that there seems to be an unwritten message that men cannot be taught by women, which she states is not consistent with Scripture.  She writes of Huldah, Ruth, Naomi, Rahab, Shiphrah and Puah, Achsah, and Deborah, etc. as "gynocentric interruptions", who were active in God's overall plan throughout Scripture, not merely in women's ministry.

Section two builds upon the first section, addressing how Christians need to "recover our mission".  This section specifically addresses Piper and Grudem's book.  Byrd tells of her first encounter reading their book as a new bride, compared to her next reading of their book years later.  She claims Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood promotes an unorthodox view of the Trinity, called eternal subordination of the Son, which she states Piper and Grudem use to build their premise of women being subordinate to men.  She confronts what it means to be a masculine male and a feminine female.  All this discussion is to build up to her main question:  Is Biblical manhood and womanhood our aim in discipleship?  Byrd rightly states, "Christian men and women don't strive for so-called biblical masculinity or femininity, but Christlikeness.  Rather than striving to prove our sexuality, the tone of our sexuality will express itself as we do this."

 

Byrd discusses how parachurch organizations are taking over the church's responsibility of discipling believers and why this is an issue.  There is much truth in her statement, "We reap the fruit of our interpretive community.  The public teaching of the Word shapes our private reading."  She adds, "It's the continual meeting together under the Word and sacraments, the continual receiving of God's means of grace, the continual benedictions of blessing and call to bear fruit, and continual personal time spent in the Word that truly shapes us."  In essence, what we learn in our church shapes how we read Scripture, and we need the community of men and women in the church setting, as God designed, to help us learn, interpret, and apply Scripture. 

 

Byrd's final section is titled, "recovering the responsibility of every believer".  In this section, she addresses women as necessary allies to men, rather than as ones who are "to continuously be looking for, affirming, and nurturing male authority", which she quotes John Piper as stating.  She uses the example of Phoebe being commended by Paul to show that in the New Testament, women were entrusted with great responsibilities, even delivering and subsequently explaining Paul's letter to the Romans.  

 

My Thoughts

I was first introduced to Aimee Byrd about 2 years ago, through her book No Little Women, which I reviewed here. I enjoyed that book and was excited to read another book by Byrd. I liked how No Little Women called for discernment and challenged women to be doctrinally sound.  I expected the same of Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood but was surprised to find that was not entirely the case.  Though Byrd called for those things in words, she referenced many egalitarian authors and agreed with them, which was discouraging.  I expected more discernment from her.

Having never read John Piper and Wayne Grudem's book, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, I did not realize what I was about to read when I selected Byrd's book.  I found myself wishing her book had been laid out more clearly, quoting specific sections of Piper and Grudem's books so that the context of the ideas she was conveying was more clear.  At times it was difficult to understand the point she was trying to make.  Perhaps being more familiar with Piper and Grudem's book would make this easier.  I have read and listened to John Piper many times, and I have much respect for him and his teaching.  I find it difficult to believe that he is promoting the things Byrd claims, and I would like to study more what Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is conveying.

There were several issues Byrd addressed as major that I consider very minor.  The beautiful covers on women's Bibles are just simply beautiful covers.  They appeal to a gender that is attracted to beautiful things.  If anything, it is a profitable marketing scheme to compel women to purchase more Bibles.  I do not think my church takes my theology less seriously based on my flower-print Bible that I purchased because of its beauty and lined margins, perfect for my colorful notes that help me visually remember the flow of Scripture.  Her statement about women in Scripture being active in God's overall plan, not just women's ministry put me on the defensive.  Of course women are active parts of God's plan.  In my complementarian circles, I do not personally know anyone who denies that. 

Byrd makes some statements in generalities that I personally have not experienced.  She states that pastors' sermons are geared toward men rather than women.  My experience has been that pastors give illustrations based on their own lives.  These illustrations do likely speak more to men, simply because the ones speaking are men.  This does not mean pastors do not consider how Scripture impacts women.  This does not change the application of a passage.  Byrd also speaks of not being taken seriously by the pastors in her church.  This is unfortunate, though not my own experience.  I have been blessed with godly leaders who have invested in my life through book recommendations, Scriptural preaching, and being willing to participate with me personally in theological discussions.  As a pastor's wife, I am blessed to have daily theological discussions with my pastor in my own home.  My husband/pastor encourages me to study Scripture and recommends resources to help to that end.  I know from watching him that he treats other women in the same manner.

Byrd's book was disappointing in that it did not address key Scriptures regarding women in the church.  1 Timothy 2:12 - "I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather she is to remain quiet."  I would expect this would be a key text to confront in a book on this topic.  Also, she took much liberty in expounding on the unknowns of Scripture regarding the women mentioned previously.

 

Denny Burk, current president of the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) reviewed Aimee Byrd's book.  Regarding statements Byrd claims the CBMW makes about the eternal subordination of the Son (ESS), Burk states, "The Council has never approved any official statement endorsing ESS. Byrd’s case against CBMW relies on there having been some official endorsement of ESS at CBMW, but that has never happened. Many of the council members have never held to any version of ESS (however it is defined) and would resist any implication that they have. But Byrd misrepresents this."

 

Overall, I was disappointed in this book.  I expected more of Byrd, based on her previous writings.  Unfortunately, this is not a book I can recommend to others.

Rachel's Rating:

★★☆☆☆

 

Thanks to NetGalley for providing an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Book Review: Guarding Your Heart

A.W. Pink's Guarding Your Heart is based on Proverbs 4:23:  "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life".  This book is devoted to explaining this verse in detail and providing useful application for everyday life.  As Pink rightly states, "All outward actions are worthless while our hearts be not right with God". Throughout this book, he builds on this truth and seeks to show believers both the importance of having a heart right with God and the diligence it takes on our part to make that happen.  He does not forsake the work of the Holy Spirit in this endeavor, but the focus of this book is on the directive given in Proverbs 4:23.

 

Pink devotes his first chapter to the phrase "keep thy heart".  He offers both definitions and examples before transitioning to the next chapter, "diligent effort".  Here he emphasizes both man's responsibility to keep his heart and his helplessness in and of himself to do so.  My favorite quote in this short book is the prayer that follows:  "Lord, Thou requirest me to keep my heart with all diligence, and I feel utterly incompetent for such a task; such a work lies altogether beyond my poor feeble powers; therefore, I humbly ask Thee in the name of Christ to graciously grant unto me supernatural strength to do as Thou hast bidden me.  Lord, work in me both to will and to do of Thy good pleasure."  

Pink's third chapter focuses on the fact that the Lord looks on the heart.  He exhorts believers to remember this truth when deciding how to spend their time, money, and care.  This chapter concludes with a list of the heart-characteristics Christian ought to have, including Scripture references for further study.

The fourth and fifth chapters focus on practical applications.  Chapter four discusses keeping the heart during different seasons, including prosperity, adversity, public danger, trouble in the church, injuries and abuses, spiritual gloom, and critical illness.  Chapter five addresses "other issues".  Both of these chapters are again full of Scripture and prod the reader to examine his own heart.

In his final chapter, Pink discusses the benefits of keeping the heart.  He offers a conclusion of encouragement to those who faithfully and closely perform this hard work of keeping their heart.  

I chose this book by A.W. Pink for two different reasons.  First, the topic.  Proverbs 4:23 is a verse that confused me during adolescence and young adulthood.  I would hear peers quote "guard your heart" in reference to relationships with the opposite sex.  "Don't give your heart away too soon or to the wrong guy" was what they meant.  While this is wise counsel, I was convinced the verse meant much more than that.  

The second reason I chose this book was because my favorite Bible study author mentioned that A.W. Pink is her favorite theologian. A.W. Pink is new to me, but I can see why my author thinks so highly of him. His writing is easy to follow, but deep with personal application.  This book may only take about an hour to read, but the practical implications need to be mulled over and digested for days, weeks, and months to come.

I look forward to reading more by Pink and intend on coming back to this book for further study in the future.

Rachel's Rating:

★★★★★

Book Review - (A)Typical Woman: Free, Whole, and Called in Christ

Abigail Dodds' (A)Typical Woman:  Free, Whole and Called in Christ addresses the topic of biblical womanhood from the complementarian perspective.  This is not a book that is addressing a new idea.  Dodds states in the beginning of her book, "So many are searching for a novel approach, a new way to think about something, a uniqueness or niche.... Novelty leads to heresy and false teaching....  If this book seems like new information to you, it isn't because I came up with something novel; it's because we've forgotten the basics, or we were never taught them." 

(A)Typical Woman is broken into three parts.  Part one addresses what it means to be a Christian woman.  Dodds focuses on being dead to sin and made into a new woman at the point of becoming a Christian.  She debunks the notion that a "typical" woman exists and focuses on the call of all women to be faithful to God in the circumstances He has given.

Part two breaks down the different titles seen throughout womanhood:  single, married, mothering, working, and discipling.  She points out the differences in these varied stations of life, but exhorts that these different viewpoints are inter-dependent.  Dodds poses a question all women, regardless of their current stage of life, should consider before embarking on new endeavors such as "entering the workforce or motherhood or setting up their home or any sphere of work".  She challenges women to ask themselves, "Am I faithfully obeying God as his child by meeting the genuine needs of others, or am I pursuing self-actualization, self-fulfillment, or selfish ambition apart from him?"

In part three, Dodds focuses on how women are fearless and free in Christ. She spends time discussing the importance of relationships with others who differ from us and the growth and perspective that can be developed from those relationships.  She focuses once again on the myth of "typical" womanhood.  "The nature of being Christian women isn't based on what we do but on who we are - who he's made us."  In conclusion, she offers a challenge.  "Are we willing to be agents of the gospel of Jesus Christ?  Are we willing to exercise the gifts God has given us, whether teaching, serving, administrating, giving, counseling with wisdom, exhorting, and on and on, to his glory and for his people, holding nothing back?  Are we willing to really have some skin in the game?"

True to her word, Dodds did not present anything new or different from the Biblical perspective of womanhood that I have been taught from Scripture my entire life.  I appreciated her reminders of serving Christ in every aspect of our lives and remaining faithful to all He has called us to.

 

Rachel's Rating:

★★★★☆