Struggling...and Resetting

The past two weeks have been rather mundane.  To be frank, it has been a struggle.  I am not unhappy or restless or bored.  I am just feeling "blah".  There is plenty going on to keep me occupied, but I want to sit around and watch TV all day.  I want to be self-absorbed on my phone, rather than clean the house or read a book, or anything at all productive.  Maybe it is hormonal, or depression, or exhaustion from working third shift.  Maybe it is just laziness.  I don't know.  But it has been a struggle, and I want to snap out of it.  I need to snap out of it.

I am currently on day 3 of a 10-day stretch off of work.  This is my normal schedule, a 10-day break I get every 6 weeks.  Sounds pretty amazing, right?  A mini vacation built right into my work schedule.  It is nice!  But I find myself most unproductive during these 10 days.  I procrastinate and "veg" all day because I have plenty of time to spend doing whatever I want to do.  Then before I know it, I am on day 8 or 9, and I have to work hard to get everything done before going back to work.

The beginning of Corona-break was filled with resolve to be more disciplined in my daily life.  I was writing letters to people as I thought of them, journaling back and forth with my kids daily, keeping them on track with school work, enlisting their help in house work, and reading my Bible and books diligently.

Time moved on, and now I find myself at the end of week 7 of social distancing.  My resolve has dwindled.  I wrote a total of 4 letters this month.  I wanted to write one daily.  The kids' journals sit in a stack, where they have sat untouched for about 3 weeks.  House work is hit-or-miss.  I still read my Bible, but book reading is no longer a priority.  Thankfully, the school sent packets of work for the kids to do, so they are still keeping up with that!

So I need to reset. 

Here are the positives that have happened since the last time I blogged.

Bible study has been meeting via Facebook video chat, every other Monday.  This group of ladies is so encouraging, so honest, so refreshing to chat with each time we meet.  I love hearing their perspectives and encouragement.  It is a joy to study the Bible with them and learn together.

I was able to talk with friends from college this weekend.  I don't remember the last time I saw them all together.  It has been far too long.  I have not been good at keeping in contact.  But it was so encouraging to see their faces and talk about life.  Seeing them made me miss them more, and I hope we are able to do that again soon.

I have seen the kids enjoying each other so much since they have been home.  Sure, they fight.  But I see the love they have for each other and the way they play together.  It is fun to watch them be creative and find ways to include everyone in their play. 

I have a great group of co-workers, and I think we are keeping each other sane right now.  We have a lot of fun together when we work, we talk about our lives and how COVID is affecting us right now, we tease each other and laugh at stupid things that happen.  We eat good food together.  They scare me and laugh at how easy it is to do.

A family from our church dropped a care package off at our house on Sunday.  The kids and I were on a walk at the time, and they drove down where we were to say hi from their van.  I cannot tell you how encouraging it was just to see their faces!  I miss that family.  I miss my church family!

Today I reset.  I have laundry going, I finished some paperwork that was waiting to be completed, this blog post has been written, dishes are next on my list, letters will be responded to, and my kitchen counter WILL be clean again by the end of the day.

How are you all doing?

God's Work In Me

Yesterday, my husband asked me if I had a Bible verse that I really liked.  Philippians 2:13 came to mind right away. "For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

This verse caused me confusion for quite some time.  Then, some ladies from church did a Bible study on the book of Philippians.  Through that, I learned what the verse was saying.  Perhaps it is obvious to you...but for me, it took awhile to understand.

God is working in my life.  He is the one who brings all good things.  He is the one who gives me the desire to do right.  He is the one who enables me to do right.  And these good things that He enables me to do?  They are not for me.  They are for Him.  They are for His pleasure, and His pleasure is good.

Simple, right?  That is EXACTLY what the verse says.  So why did it take me so long to understand what the verse was saying?

I am not a patient person.  My husband says I have improved greatly in this area since we have been married, which is so incredibly encouraging to hear.  But still...I have a long way to go, and it is a struggle.  For so long, I would beat myself up over it.  "Just be patient, Rachel.  Just do it." "Count to 3, then react."  "Recite this verse about patience whenever you feel impatient."  These were the things I would tell myself.  Time after time, my inward struggle would just lead to more guilt.  I would fail, chastise myself, at times berate myself, repent, and repeat.  Those things I was telling myself were well and good.  There is nothing wrong with those statements.  But they missed the main point.  They were focused on behavior modification, rather than a change of heart.

Since it is God who is working in me, giving me the desire to do right and also the ability to carry it out, then shouldn't my response to my own impatience be to run to Him in prayer?  Shouldn't I rest secure that He will work in me to carry out these very things He has given me the desire to do?  Knowing that my very life is for His good pleasure, shouldn't I be driven to study His Word and know Him more?  Shouldn't I be seeking counsel from fellow believers who also know and love Him?

My mindset has been changing, ever so slowly.  Life is not about behavior modification and simply doing the right thing.  Life is about doing right, obeying God's commands, for God's good pleasure.  And our God, who sees our hearts, knows very well what our motivation is.  There is no hiding that from Him.

This is not simply about Rachel being more patient.  This is about God's transforming power at work in the lives of all believers.  This is about God, not Rachel.  THAT is the point.  That has always been the point.  Somehow, I missed it.  

In studying His Word, God transforms our lives.  We see more clearly who He is.  Little by little, we learn to love Him more.  And as we do this, He conforms us to His image.  He develops that patience, or those good works, in us.  He causes us to do right.   He uses fellow believers to come alongside us and teach us.  He uses our life experiences to grow us.  Through it all, He is at work.

So if you see Rachel being patient with someone, if you see Rachel working out her salvation, join with me and praise the Lord for that!  It is Him, working in me, and it is for His pleasure.

Encouragement Through Changes

Life this week looks vastly different than life three weeks ago.  I have my entire family home all day, every day.  I only leave the house for work and groceries.  Even for groceries, I try to use curbside pick-up as much as possible.  I spent the past week without a phone, as mine died the day the shelter-in-place order was issued.

Prior to all this, I looked forward to having anywhere from 1-3 mornings a week child-free, depending on my work schedule.  Those mornings would be spent catching up on cleaning at the house while singing along to my favorite music, or shopping for craft supplies and working on projects.  Sometimes I would call my parents or a friend to catch up.  Other times I would simply sleep, in effort to be well-rested for an upcoming night of work.  I had me-time, and I loved it.

Now, most everything has changed.  In the midst of these changes, there is increased stress.  Transitions always involve stress, whether they are good changes or bad!  Transitioning to having my kids home is such a blessing.  I love that they take care of each other, play well together, enjoy learning schoolwork at home, and desire to be taught life skills that they see me doing!  But it is a change, and it is stressful.  They also fight, need snacks every 2 hours (?!?!?!), enjoy saying "Mom" repeatedly all day long, and frankly...they get bored!

One thing I have been thinking about during these few weeks:  How are we doing at keeping in contact with each other?  Specifically for the Church...what are we doing to encourage one another right now?  We are all under stress in one way or another, and we are not able to meet weekly to encourage one another.  What are we doing in the meantime?

I have been encouraged in several ways this past week.  My daughter's Sunday school teacher sent her lesson in the mail, along with the papers she typically does every week.  Another daughter's school teacher wrote her a letter, including an addressed, stamped envelope to make writing back much easier.  My girls' piano teacher took time to ask how I was doing and prayed with me over the phone after the girls' lessons this week.  We were able to have Bible study via Facebook chat last Monday!  My husband's sermon was still possible, courtesy of YouTube.

I just want to encourage you...whether it seems like it or not, you probably have extra time right now.  I know I do.  I have the 40 minutes every week that I used to spend transporting the girls to and from piano.  I have the 20+ minutes I spent every day picking them up from school.  I have the 2-4 hours I used to spend shopping (or at least browsing) each week for "non-essentials".  What are we doing with that extra time?  Are we making good use of it?

This is hard for all of us.  So maybe check in with your friends.  Spend quality time with your kids.  Take a walk with your husband.  Write a letter to encourage someone.  Download Zoom and have your kids talk to their cousins in Kentucky (on my to-do list!).  Find a way to keep in touch.  We are still the body of Christ, and we still need each other.  Be creative in finding a way to reach out.  We all need it.

This current situation is not a surprise to our sovereign God.  He will use it for good.  James 1, Romans 5, and 1 Peter 1 have all been teaching me this!  Let's continue to spend time in prayer, read His Word, and support one another.

How have you been encouraged this past week?